This is the day I have been dreading. I saw it on the calendar coming up and cringed. A year ago today, January 22, 2009, my boyfriend of 3+ years, Harry passed away. All day today, I’ve been reliving the events of January 22, 2009 in my head. Fighting with him in the morning and leaving mad. Not saying goodbye, doing lmL or saying “I love you” to him before I left. Calling him over and over again all day to say I was sorry and wondering why he wasn’t picking up. Getting the call from his brother. I had never heard him cry before. He wouldn’t tell me. He hung up. Calling his Mom. Collapsing on the floor in my office at work when she told me. Being driven home by a co-worker and calling Harry’s closest friends and having to break the news to them. Driving up to our house to see police cars and a medical examiner’s truck in front. Seeing Emily for the first time. Watching them roll the empty body bag in and then watching them roll it out, knowing the love of my life was in it. Mitzie, our cat, getting out and disappearing for hours. Although it is all a blur, everything for the first week or two afterwards was, I remember it all. And I probably always will. As if it was yesterday.
There are a lot of “shoulda woulda coulda’s” that I think of looking back on everything. And I guess that it’s all part of the grieving process. But the only thing I wish I could have changed was not telling Harry I loved him before I left. I didn’t kiss him or hug him, I just left, mad about something. I don’t even remember what it was, it was that insignificant. I never thought I would never get a chance to see him again. My life was changed in a second. Hug your loved ones tonight. Be happy that you have them. Life is short and you never know what could happen…you may never have another chance.
